October has been deemed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and yet it remains perhaps the most under discussed tragedy in our culture. So often these mothers and couples feel they must suffer alone. No matter how hard it may be to experience the death of your child in the womb, you are not alone. More than likely you or someone who know has experienced a miscarriage 💔 Mothers who suffer a miscarriage may experience depression, anxiety, illogical thoughts, and nightmares- sometimes for months or years. Worst of all, most bereaved mothers feel they must suffer all alone, isolated from family and friends who simply cannot understand their pain and do not know how to talk about it. In this blogpost, you will find some resources both for the one who is grieving and the one who wishes to help but doesn’t know how. These resources are intended for those who are Orthodox Christians, so the resources will be through that lens.

Miscarriage Resources :

Lost Innocents Blog

This is one of the most practical resources for miscarriage from an Orthodox Christian perspective. It is run by a priest wife, who offers practical resources from her own experience and allows space for those to share their stories as well. She also shares detailed information about navigating the hospital, preparing for the passing of the baby, and more. Website: lostinnocentsblog.wordpress.com/

Held in Hope Miscarriage Kit

Each kit contains educational material regarding options for first trimester miscarriage management, as well as practical items needed to miscarry at home.  In the box you’ll find:

• Educational Materials

• Medical Items

• Special items for mom

Heaven’s Gain Ministries

Heaven’s Gain Ministries’ mission is to provide for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of families experiencing pregnancy loss: before, during, and after the delivery of their precious baby. This site also includes still birth and infant loss resources.

Helpful Websites

• Articles and prayer services for pregnancy loss.

• Helping those who have experienced the death of a baby due to early pregnancy loss, still birth, or during the first few months of life.

• A national self-help organization providing friendship, support and resources for parents and siblings grieving the loss of a child.

Speak with Your Priest

It may not seem obvious, so I want to mention that if you are experiencing a miscarriage, please reach out to your priest. The Church can offer specific prayers for you, and your child. Request these prayers and allow the parish to support you during this time.

Prayers for Miscarriage and Stillbirth

• A Prayer Service for Parents Grieving a Miscarriage or Stillbirth

• Service of Prayer for a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
  A prayer service which can be said at the time of loss or anytime thereafter
  

• Prayer Service for the Burial of a Stillborn or Miscarried Infant
  

• Comforting those who mourn 
  An article on Pregnancy Loss Awareness
  

• Child Loss Pastoral Guide
  A pastoral guide for clergy. Here is a link to the Comforting Parents Handout that can be printed to share with your parish.

• Prayers During Miscarriage

  For those who are going through a miscarriage, or a missed miscarriage, she may find help for the next days in these prayers. Read them here.

Host a Prayer Service at Your Parish:

While living in New York, my husband was attending seminary at St Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary and during a chilly evening in October, the seminary hosted a special prayer service for those who lost a child (or children) due to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. While standing in the nave hearing the prayers and hymns sung, I had tears pouring down my face. It was the first time that my precious child who died in my womb was prayed for and acknowledged publicly. I looked around the room and I was surprised by how many were in attendance. Afterwards, we all shared many hugs and tears. It was such a healing experience, not only to have our losses acknowledged, but also to share our grief with one another who also lost babies. It was a profound experience I can hardly explain.

Having attended this prayer service, I knew that we needed to bring this tradition to our current parish. This past year we hosted our first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Prayer Service. It was a wonderful evening, and I can’t wait to tell you more about it. Check out my blogpost to find out how we planned this event and to provide resources for your parish to host one!

Guidelines for Helping a Friend or Family Member to Grieve

Statistically speaking, someone you know will experience a miscarriage. It can be helpful to be senstive and compassionate towards the ones who are grieving. Not everyone grieves in the same way.  It is important to create a loving and understanding atmosphere to help those affected.  These guidelines from that article for people who may not know what to say or how to help a friend or family member who is grieving from the article “Comforting Those Who Have Lost a Baby During Pregnancy or Shortly Thereafter.”

• The first—and likely the most important—thing you can do is realize that a baby has died and this death is just as “real” as the death of an older child. The parents’ grief and healing process will be painful and take time—lots of time.  They may not be recovered or done “thinking about their baby” after a month or even a year.  Realize that the parents are sad because they miss their baby, and that he or she can never be replaced by anyone else, including future children or children they may already have.

• Offer to drop off a meal to help alleviate the burden of preparing food. Usually the best suggestion is to say “I’d like to bring you a meal tomorrow, would that be alright?” It’s easier to accept a meal when there is a plan verses saying “if you would like me to do anything let me know!” In grief, it is hard to accept help, so offering a plan and asking for permission is the best way to help.

• Let the parents know that they, their family and the baby are in your prayers. Call or send a sympathy card. You don’t have to write a lot inside; a simple “You and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers” is enough.

• What the parents need most now is a good listener and a shoulder, not a lecture or advice. Listen when they talk about the death of their baby. Don’t be afraid, and try not to be uncomfortable when talking about the loss. Talk about the baby by name, if they have named the child. Ask what the baby looked like, if the parents saw the baby. Most parents need and want to talk about their baby, their hopes and dreams for their lost child.

• It is okay to admit that you don’t know how they feel. A good thing to say is, “I can’t imagine how you feel. I just wanted you to know that I am here for you and that I am very sorry.”

• Give a hug. This is a sign of love and concern. Even if this is all you do, it’s a nonverbal way of saying “I’m sorry” or that “I’m praying for you.”

• Offer to baby-sit their other children. Often there are follow-up doctor’s visits and the parents need a chance to be together as a couple as well.

• Offer to bring meals; often mothers have no energy to do even basic things.

• Offer to go food shopping, help clean the house, do laundry—anything that lightens the burden of daily chores that need to be done. This is especially helpful if the mother is still waiting to miscarry the baby. That process may take days and is physically and emotionally draining.

• Be careful not to forget the father of the baby. Men’s feelings are very often overlooked because they seem to cope more easily. The truth is that they are quite often just as devastated as their partner.

• Try to remember the anniversary of the death and due date with a card, call, or visit. Anniversaries can trigger grief reactions as strong as when the loss first happened. Months down the road a simple “How have you been doing since you lost your baby?” can give much comfort.

  (Originally source OCA website HERE)

Miscarriage Gift Suggestions

These are items I often include in a gift set for someone who has experienced a miscarriage:

• Orthodox Miscarriage Print + Card - by Emilia’s Post

• Comforting items for mom - hand lotion (or something to pamper mom), a cozy candle, tea towel, cute mug. I love the soaps/lotions from Holy Cross Monastery in West Virginia

• Yummy Treats - Calming tea, coffee gift cards, and some chocolates, etc.

• Gift cards (coffee, food delivery, restaurants) - you can even text the person a gift card to Starbucks!

• Grief Kits - this collection of items would be a wonderful consolation sold by Draw Near Designs and can ship directly to the recipient with a hand written card.

• Held in Hope Miscarriage Box - Each kit contains educational material regarding options for first trimester miscarriage management, as well as practical items needed to miscarry at home. 

• An icon would be a lovely gift - some suggestions:

• Icon of the Theotokos "Protectress of the Unborn"

• Icon of Christ the Lover of the Innocent

• Icon of the Guardian Angel with the Departed

• or Theotokos Painting Print

Book Recommendation:

• Naming the Child: Hope-Filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death

Personal Reflection

Miscarriage is a topic close to my heart. For my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. Like most women, we don’t really expect it to happen to us. So when it did, my world shattered into a million pieces. I was 7 weeks 5 days along. That time stamp is burned into my mind now. I miscarried on my sister’s birthday (June 22nd) while I was at work. It was a spontaneous miscarriage, meaning it happened naturally on its own. I remember feeling like it was the final bit of naivety I had left in me. We had just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and all we could talk about was this new chapter we were entering into, becoming parents. I longed for this baby. I prayed for this baby. God heard my many tearful prayers, and offered us the gift of life! I never imagined I would have a miscarriage. I mean, I knew it was possible but I didn’t really imagine it could happen to me. But It DID happen to me. I quickly found that I was apart of a “club” so to speak, of countless women who also knew this grief. Not the best club to be in, but it was comforting knowing I wasn’t alone in my pain and suffering.

Our miscarriage was public, meaning we had already begun to share the news of our little baby. In some ways that was a blessing. In the wake of our miscarriage, our Church community wrapped their loving arms around us, which was an immeasurable gift I could never repay. Many of these suggestions in this blogpost are inspired by those merciful souls who carried our burdens and offered tears, and hugs, and meals, support, and ice cream, and so much love. I’m forever grateful to them and the love they showed us during one of the darkest times of my life. They were the hands and feet of our loving Lord, and even in the midst of the grief, I felt a warm glow of comfort from the Lord - a peace that surpasses all human reasoning. Our priest prayed for us, the church fed us, and we grieved together.

Friends also shared their stories with me of their own miscarriages. As strange as it sounds, I longed for those stories. I wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and that others had walked this dark road - that there was hope on the other side of this. I didn’t know it at the time, but in addition to the grief, I was also experiencing post-partum depression, a common experience for women after a miscarriage. A close friend of mine had also suffered a miscarriage just a few weeks before me and was still in the midst of it (missed miscarriage), so we found comfort in each other’s company. A blessing I cherish still to this day. The Lord was there, through every dark valley. I felt overwhelmed with fear that I would never be able to hold a child, earth-side. My heart longed for my child, and the potential of a household full of lots of children, and lots of noise, messes, laughter and joy.

After the initial shock, I was struck by how physically painful it was. The cramping was not like normal period cramps. It was much more intense, and it was paired with the emotional pain of accepting the inevitable. My baby died. My body was reacting to this reality. But it was involuntary. I did not wish for this to happen, nor could I do anything to stop it. It was this realization that became such a painful lesson. This lesson has forever impressed upon me this truth: the womb - as much as we wish to control it - it is not our realm to control. I truly believe this sacred space is reserved for God and God alone. Although I don’t know why we suffered a miscarriage, I know that it has changed my perspective about children and the womb. Heaven became that much more real that day. I longed to be there with my little baby. To hold him, to see his face, feel his warmth. Instead, my womb felt empty, and my arms even more empty. Any mother who has conceived a child knows that our whole world changes the second we see that positive pregnancy test. We will never forget our children, even the ones we didn’t get the chance to hold. Every child that is created is an eternal being. We are all created to be with our Creator for eternity. Our little babies, gone to soon, they are with the Lord, Who loves the innocent. As mothers, we are co-creators with our Creator. I am still in awe that He allows us the privilege of carrying life within our wombs. I cherish each child the Lord has blessed me with, even the one I didn’t get a chance to hold.

A few months after my miscarriage, a few close friends of mine also had miscarriages. Upon hearing the news, I knew EXACTLY what to do for them. I began to put together a little “care package” to drop off for them along with a warm meal. I knew exactly what to do, because it was first modeled for me. It was such a sweet consolation in those moments, and the many more opportunities I’ve had to minister to other women who also lost their babies. It is my hope that this blogpost will provide some opportunities to provide consolation for those who have suffered a miscarriage, and will be a resource for those who want to help a friend but don’t know where to start. Any act done in love for someone who is suffering is good. We don’t need to overthink it.

I pray that the Lord provides comfort and strength to you and the peace that surpasses all human reasoning washes over you.

-Khouria Destinie